Liminality

I've been writing a lot of posts, but I have yet to actually publish one. Maybe this will be the one.

I should be packing now. If you know anything about me, you should know that I'm horrible at getting things done quickly. I would attribute it to my perfectionist attitude, but maybe it's just because I'm lazy. I can't figure out what I actually need, and I don't want to forget to pack something that's actually important. At the same time, I don't want to overpack. (I should be packing now! I know! But I'm taking a break. Maybe that's why I'm slow..) As I pack, I look at all the things I'm including and the things I'm excluding. I want to give my room a comforting feel by adding some things as decoration and such.. yet no matter what I add to it, I think I will still feel utterly out of place.

My first time at a new experience always makes me anxious. Last year, as I lay under the newly-laid covers that my family made for me, I couldn't help but just.. lie there. Even though I was in a triple with two other people, I still felt utterly alone. I probably hugged a stuffed animal to make myself feel a bit better, and then I (probably) eventually drifted off to sleep since I usually fall asleep quickly anyway. But that feeling of loneliness, of being a fish out of water, is pretty much inescapable. I guess it makes me hyper-aware of my surroundings. Paranoia? This year won't be as bad, since the experience isn't completely foreign to me. But it's a new chapter of my life, as I'm adjusting to new circumstances.

Actually, I'm not really starting anything, nor am I finishing anything. I'm transitioning. This is my liminal space: the time between me leaving home and me arriving at my dorm with school in full swing. I'm in limbo. And with limbo comes this unsettling feeling of uncertainty. What's going to happen next? Where am I now? I'm also notorious for thinking up "what if" scenarios. I should really stop that. I've had a lot of things on my mind, and I haven't been able to commit to a single decision. I can't help but wonder what would have happened if only I had done things differently. How would today have turned out? How would my future have turned out?

I need to focus. I should get back to packing.

Now what?

I just need to let it out. Need to focus on something. I'm a jumble of emotions, so I'm just going to type and keep typing and see what comes out. I see the piano in front of me, and I should play something. Then I can focus on getting better. But even the piano reminds me. Why have I been listening to so many sad songs? It's not very good. It also doesn't help that I'm moody right now.

1. "I Don't Believe You" - P!nk
2. "Umbrella" - Epik High ft. Younha
3. "1 Minute 1 Second" - Epik High
4. "Mr. Brightside" - The Killers
5. "Memory" - Younha ft. Tablo

This song is happier ("The Way I Am" - Ingrid Michaelson), but it doesn't help much. Don't watch the video! Just listen.

I recently found a CD.. kinda of scratched up but it still works. Sometimes I personify how objects feel, especially regarding feelings of loneliness. I wonder how lonely that CD was until it was found today. I hadn't seen it for the past 2 years, at the very least.

I just realized that I don't really talk to people. I should do that more. I guess I'm just super shy and quiet. I'm hungry, but I don't feel like making food to eat. The hunger is distracting, so that's pretty good.

I thought I knew what I wanted, but I guess I didn't. Not knowing what you want is pretty dangerous. Things just happen, and you can't stop it all from cascading like a line of dominoes because you don't know what you want to happen.

My grades were less than stellar.. I'll work on getting those up.

What do I need to do? Time for another list!

1. work study
2. health insurance
3. textbooks
4. figure out what to pack
5. visit USC?
6. figure out what to do Friday on my girl-date haha
7. guitar case
8. new backpack or messenger bag

I want to lose myself in the flow of life.

30 Day Challenge

Day 01 — A book you’ve read more than once
Day 02 — A song that makes you happy
Day 03 — A song that makes you think
Day 04 — Your favourite quote
Day 05 — Your favourite superhero
Day 06 — A favourite invention from a fantasy novel
Day 07 — A photo of you taken over ten years ago
Day 08 — A photo you took
Day 09 — A photo of you taken recently
Day 10 — A hobby you’ve always wished to take up
Day 11 — Your favorite poem
Day 12 — A photo that represents the basic idea of your dream home
Day 13 — Your favourite languages
Day 14 — A fictional book
Day 15 — A non-fictional book
Day 16 — Your favourite season
Day 17 — An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)
Day 18 — A song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 19 — A hobby of yours
Day 20 — A recipe
Day 21 — A website
Day 22 — A song that reminds of you of somewhere
Day 23 — Favourite childhood book
Day 24 — A classical song
Day 25 — Your plans for college/university
Day 26 — Your favourite television program
Day 27 — Your favourite movie
Day 28 — A song that makes you feel like you can conquer the world
Day 29 — Countries you’ve travelled to
Day 30 — Countries you want to visit

I'll start this after finals are over. :]

Stuff

A lot has happened in the past couple of days. The big thing is that I'm so sore that I can barely move because I've been at the gym for 6 hours over the past 2 days. (Badminton is fun!) I'll just have to waddle around.. D:

Chem N3AL: Tuesday 8-9 pm @ 1 Pimentel

Chem 3A: Thursday 8:45-10:45 am @ ??

English N117S: Friday 12-2 pm in class

OH MY GOODNESS. Time to study. asdfjkl;

Events Coming Up

I should be studying, I really should. I have my ochem lab practical next Tuesday, ochem final next Thursday, and English final next Friday. And what do I need to do for each? Hm, I actually haven't thought much about it all.. Time for another list! (Yes, I need lists to keep my mind organized, otherwise everything gets all mixed up.)

1. Chem N3AL - review NMR, review the 3 in-class worksheets, skim over lab manual (maybe), rewatch online lectures (maybe)/skim through my notes
2. Chem 3A - look over psets #1-6, read about SN1/SN2/E1/E2 reactions in the text, do psets #7-14, especially the last ones, office hours??
3. English - read through Macbeth and find quotes, read Winter's Tale and find stuff, do study guide

I've also thought about things coming up this year that I don't want to miss. Last year in the dorms was pretty nice, but we didn't have many events going on (especially during the second semester). I say we plan our own events if nothing's going on!

1. Pier 39 (so I can use up my coupons.. haha)
2. Harry Potter movie midnight showing??! :o
3. Golden Gate Park/CA Academy of Science/Westfield mall.. haha
4. Check out the botanical gardens, even though Justin says that they suck compared to the gardens at the Huntington Library.
5. Hike to the BIG C!
6. Hideo (tickets!)
7. And RSF.. of course I just had to put this on my list of things to do. >>

Regrets

I'm reminiscing about the past again. I'm a dweller. I just stick to what was and not what is or will be. I've lost friends and gained friends, but I continue to feel a deep sense of regret for events that I cannot change.

Why am I thinking of these things so suddenly? Well, I started to use a new iTunes-esque program (JetAudio Basic I think) to listen to music, and one of the files was a recording that I made of a friend and I. I heard our carefree laughter, playful jokes, our friendship. If someone told me that I would eventually lose touch with that friend, I would be utterly baffled. But that is precisely what has happened.

Throughout the course of my life, I have fallen away from a fair share of my friends for reasons both trivial and significant. Why can't I just ask them what happened? Why can't I just apologize, or ask for an explanation? I tend to think that these things are beyond my control; that trying wouldn't help at all anyway.

Actually, I recently attempted to "fix" a regret of mine recently by adding a girl on facebook. I realized that the tension I felt could easily be fixed if I just talked to her and moved past the past. Silly me, she didn't really remember what had happened. Awkwardness ensued. I'm not sure if I have the guts to try to amend other situations after that semi-fail.

What do I regret? That I didn't make the effort to try to keep in touch with friends. That I acted without regard to how others would feel. That I acted without thinking. That I neglected some of my closest friends.

Maybe one day everything will be cleared up. Maybe I'll have the chance to apologize. But until that day, I'll stay behind as the world moves forward.

Back to Myspace -_-

So I suddenly decided to cure my boredom by taking this silly questionnaire thing.

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. lied in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. lied in the same bed with someone of the same sex.
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs.
TOTAL: 6

1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else’s prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. felt hurt.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL so far: 12

1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar
TOTAL so far: 14

1. been to a wild party.
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL so far: 15

1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed girly.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stole something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
TOTAL so far: 18

1. had a crush on a friend.
2. been to a concert.
3. dry-humped someone.
4. been called a slut.
5. called someone a slut.
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror.
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house
9. brushed your teeth with someone else’s toothbrush.
TOTAL so far: 22

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL so far : 27

1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police’s presence.
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harassed.
10.been verbally harassed.
TOTAL so far: 30

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drank and driven.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
TOTAL so far: 37

Grand Total: 37

If you have less than 10, write “I’m a goody-goody”
If you have more than 10, write “I’m still a goody goody”
If you have more than 20, write “I’m average”
If you have more than 30, write “I’m a bad kid”
If you have more than 40, write “I’m a very bad influence”
If you have more than 50, write “I’m a horrible person”
If you have more than 60, write “I should be in jail”
If you have more than 70, write “I should be dead

List of Stuff to Bring :o

I have ~50 minutes before class starts, and here I am on this blog. Well, I wanted to write down a few things before I forget (like I always do).

1. umbrella
2. rain boots
3. coat
4. mug
5. smaller backpack or messenger bag..?

I didn't eat yet! Ahh!

So last night I slept pretty late because I went to John/Eric/Gabe's apartment for a potluck. We were all supposed to arrive at 6 pm, but miraculously I was the first to show up at around 7, followed closely by Sherry, Alan, and Jenny at ~8. There was so much delicious food! Jenny brought noodles with squid, I brought stir-fried broccoli and mushrooms, Eric made "heck of" fried rice, John and Gabe made a korean rice cake ramen thing with spicy sauce, and Alan and Sherry "made" a sushi platter and chips! And I will now go eat some of it as lunch. Haha. Oh, right, so I came back late because we ended up talking about kpop and listening to some random music. Cyriak is freaky stuff (cows & cows & cows). The music is freakishly cool, though.

So now I should go eat lunch and read some Macbeth.. I can't go out anymore! I'm so stressed out about classes; only when I remember that I have homework, though.