Regrets

I'm reminiscing about the past again. I'm a dweller. I just stick to what was and not what is or will be. I've lost friends and gained friends, but I continue to feel a deep sense of regret for events that I cannot change.

Why am I thinking of these things so suddenly? Well, I started to use a new iTunes-esque program (JetAudio Basic I think) to listen to music, and one of the files was a recording that I made of a friend and I. I heard our carefree laughter, playful jokes, our friendship. If someone told me that I would eventually lose touch with that friend, I would be utterly baffled. But that is precisely what has happened.

Throughout the course of my life, I have fallen away from a fair share of my friends for reasons both trivial and significant. Why can't I just ask them what happened? Why can't I just apologize, or ask for an explanation? I tend to think that these things are beyond my control; that trying wouldn't help at all anyway.

Actually, I recently attempted to "fix" a regret of mine recently by adding a girl on facebook. I realized that the tension I felt could easily be fixed if I just talked to her and moved past the past. Silly me, she didn't really remember what had happened. Awkwardness ensued. I'm not sure if I have the guts to try to amend other situations after that semi-fail.

What do I regret? That I didn't make the effort to try to keep in touch with friends. That I acted without regard to how others would feel. That I acted without thinking. That I neglected some of my closest friends.

Maybe one day everything will be cleared up. Maybe I'll have the chance to apologize. But until that day, I'll stay behind as the world moves forward.